Thursday, 1 May 2014

Divorced & making it work.

Back in 2005 I put on a white silk dress, a beautiful scalloped veil, I was walked down the aisle by my Father dressed in his military uniform and his medals proudly on show and I said my vows.

At the time, in a room full of family, soon to be family and friends, being so full of hope, love and visions of white picket fences....and having no idea that in 5yrs from that day we'd be filing for divorce. 

Being the dreamer that I am, I refused to ever think that I'd be labeled as a 'divorcee'. I only ever wished to marry the once, to the one that I was going to grow old with. But me being me and naivety clearly running vibrantly through my veins, realized life doesn't always give you the cards you want. 

I remember after almost a year of trying to gain the courage to speak the words to the man who I'd clearly fallen out of love with and really, didn't know anymore and that it was over. A year it took me to tell him, so you can have an insight that I really couldn't make the decision to file for divorce lightly. You see, something along the way got broken, we worked on it and then it got broken again....there's only so many times you can put something together before you realize they just don't fit together anymore.
So it was one of the most difficult and heartbreaking decisions I've ever had to make. But in the end it was the right one, and that in turn would work out in the long run for us all. Because lets face it, if something doesn't work anymore, you need to cut the ties. No dragging behind the speeding car of life....because that's just cruel, wouldn't you agree?

It's been over three years since I made that difficult decision and a year since the divorce was finalized and after seeing other family members go through messy divorces, including my own parents....I was worried how we could make it work for the sake of our kids. 

So how did we make it work? 

Well, for a good year we didn't. It was minimal talking, being polite in front of the children which was the most important thing. It didn't help that a few months after I ended the marriage that he left to work across the pond for half a year. 

But upon his return for the sake of the children we worked through the kinks and hurdles, put aside any animosity we had for the situation and focused on our children. So many divorces use the children as pawns in a battle to get one up on the other parent, but not us. 

I have sole residency, no court order in place as we didn't feel the need to go down that road. He can also see them when he likes and our routine for the last two years + has been he has them two nights a week. He only lives down the road so it all works pretty well I have to admit. Main reason being because we communicate, help out the other if and when we can and keep each other up to speed. 

Over time we've become friends again, good friends and still find it easy to laugh with each other and it's lovely to have the kids see that even though their Mummy & Daddy don't live together anymore, that they're still friends. Because for them, that's the most important thing. 


 
 

31 comments:

  1. Such a beautifully written post Debs. You had me in tears! You are so lucky to have found the right balance and so are the children for being able to see both parents happy and not fighting. Something I wish we had when growing up but unfortunately my sisters dad - my mums ex husband is a.....%*!#

    Good for you hun!

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    1. Thank you Jade. It took us a while to find that balance, but I'm thankful we did in the end. Makes everything so much easier when everyone gets along. Yeah my parents had a real messy divorce all thanks to my Mum. I vowed I'd NEVER be like that. xx

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  2. It must be so hard, my eldest son's father has never been a part of our lives and somtimes I think that it was so much easier that way. I am so pleased that you have managed to find a way to make it work for the children x #BrilliantBlogPosts

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    1. I have a friend in that position, the Father not been in the childrens lives for quite some time and she finds it easier too. I'm sorry that your son is growing up without his Daddy, but I bet your doubly as awesome that he doesnt even give him a second thought. xxx

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  3. Awww thats really great that you have the right balance... So many cant, my mum and dad had a messy divorce, he cheated on her loads, turned to the drink and would often spend all the money on booze so bills couldnt be paid.. after years my mum had enough. He would see me once in a blue moon, then he vanished! 7 years down the line he died as a result of being an Alcoholic... Even though me and my partner have been together for 10 years and have 3 kids together, im reluctant to take the plunge into marriage, as right now it works well for us :/ maybes 1 day :) #BrilliantBlogPosts

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    1. Thanks Leanne. So many cannot find that balance, your right. Whether it be down to pride, stubbornness, selfishness and spite! Sorry to hear your Dad didn't make the best choices and sorry for the loss too.
      I was in the same boat as you, reluctant to discuss marriage, in fact when he pointed out rings to me I practically ran for the hills. Commitment issues much! But you'll know when its right for you guys, IF it ever is. But if its not broke, dont fix it you know xx

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  4. So many divorces end badly and get very messy....So nice to hear that you get on and are friends! :)

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    1. Kim they really do and so many children are used as pawns in the battles too. Its not far. Grown ups are meant to be the responsible ones you know. Make the right decisions for the right people regardless of their stupid pride and spiteful natures. Revenge means nothing when you have smiles to keep on the faces of your children. x

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  5. didn't want to read and run. I know it's not the same as a divorce; but I broke up with osh's dad when he was 7 months old and I was 19 at the time - I honestly think osh would have been the one who suffered the most if we'd have stayed together "for his sake". Kids need to be happy at home...whether they have two parents under one roof who are in love with each other, or parents who live apart and in love with another partner xx

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    1. I agree Gemma. The kids are our centre point as parents and no matter what rocks our boats we need to stay strong and level headed for them. Staying together for the sake of the child/children is never the best idea. We did that when we got back together before finding out we were expecting Jacob. I held on for 3years before I knew I couldn't do it anymore. xx

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  6. Which just goes to show what a lovely, thoughtful and sensible person you are Debs. Divorce sucks but you've totally made the best of it. If only more people had the sense & maturity to focus on their kids in this situation x

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    1. Aww thank you Colette. Baffles me why more people don't go down the maturity route. I mean, I get things can be messy, but your a grown up, act like it and pout everything negative aside for the kids. Although I'm not saying doing that is easy, heck no...but needs much in situs like this. x

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  7. Well done for making it work, your kids are very lucky to have you. Marriages don't always work out, but you have shown that divorces do not have to be messy, nasty and selfish.
    A brilliant post.

    #Brilliantblogposts

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    1. Thank you. Not that it was an easy thing to accomplish. Alot of work, patience and time but it feels good to be there you know. Divorces DONT have to be messy and evil experiences. Just a shame that so many are. x

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  8. This is such a great post, Debs, really great :-) You guys are very selfless, so many people don't really think of the impact on the children when it comes to divorce/separation, you guys seemed to have handled this well and I think it;s great you're friends now, the best possible outcome for your children.

    #Brilliantblogposts

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    1. Thanks Becky. At the end of the day how could we lives with ourselves if our kids grew up seeing a messy divorce and thinking that was normal, you know. Hopefully we've shielded them from that and filling full of love and understanding instead. x

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  9. This was an unexpected post - I didn't realise you were divorced, I don't know why I would realise! It's irrelevant. But I am so glad that you and him are friends and Mummy & daddy to your children still.
    My parents split up when I was 16. I am thirty very soon and they haven't even seen each other since let alone had anything nice to say to each other. My life, not just my parents, is completely split. I'm glad your children have solid foundations x

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    1. Hard to believe myself sometimes. That period of my life almost feels like a dream. I can relate to your situation. My Dad left my Mother {her fault!} when I was 9. I can still see him packing up the boot of his yellow Datsun cherry when I close my eyes. But my Dad had us more than my Mum and eventually had us F/T. I'm 34 next month and my parents didn't acknowledge eachother {following a horrific divorce, again, down to my Mum} for over half of my life. Sad to see how much damage divorces can cause and a shame that my Mother couldn't put aside her revengeful nature for her children. Sorry to hear your family has split too. Family should be everything. xx

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  10. i absolutely ADORE this post. When my hubs and I split last year (albeit reconciling, verrrry slowly) we had the same kind of arrangement - despite our own relationship being exceptionally tested. It shows that we both had the same priority in life, our son. The first thing we'd had in common for years - or so it felt.
    #brillblogposts carsonsmummy.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks Jo. Relationships being tested is tough isn't it. There's only so many hurdles you can jump over before your too tired to leap over anymore. I'm so glad to hear that you guys put the needs of your boy above all else. The world needs attitudes like that for sure. xx

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  11. ahhh this is a great post and lovely to see that your still friends which is great for the kids. Just shows what an amazing person you are x #pocolo

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  12. Something so personal. Thanks for sharing your thoughts #pocolo

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  13. This was lovely to read. I grew up as a child of divorce and my parents didn't handle it quite as well as you have done so well done to you both.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal #PoCoLo xxx

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  14. This post gave me goospimples lol :)
    Such a lovely post.
    There are so many parents out there who would do anything to score cheap points whilst there going through a break up. Well done for both of you acting very mature and putting the children first.
    I would find it so difficult as I was brought up with my Dad and hardly had my mother around. I got used to it in the end though. (not 100%)

    You're so strong! Lovely post Debs.
    X

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  15. I so wish my ex read this!! its really refreshing to read that this is the case for your children and the benefits they get from it

    thanks for linking up with #PoCoLo

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  16. Brave post darling, so strong and like Jaime said, refreshing. Sounds like you have a good relationship for your kids. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

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  17. You must have worked so hard together to bring the relationship round to what it is today but so much a better place for you all as a result. A great post to share.

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  18. So sorry it's taken me so long to get to your post this week has been CRAZY! No sleep or time to catch up. I think you are so brave and strong for what you did because like you said life is too short to keep hanging onto something broken if it can't be fixed. Glad you have worked hard to get to a great place to be friends for the kids sake. that's always important. Most of my siblings and my own parents have been divorced and remarried, some even divorced again. It never affects us kids though because they always stayed friends and nice to each other at least in front of us. Great post written hunny it's good because I bet so many stay in a relationship they don't even want to be in because they thought the same. Life is too short. Live it to its fullest. #sharewithme

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  19. Thanks for linking up with #iPotLinky it will always take me along time to get around to reading the posts as I'm so busy at work all day. Glad you are friends that's important for the kids :-)

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  20. This was such an interesting read Deb and a really positive post. We have friends who don't seem to be able to communicate at all, even 5 years after a divorce and it's having such a negative impact on the children :( I know it's not easy and you must have worked so hard at it but I think if the children are your main focus then you should find a way. You obviously have - well done :)

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  21. Well done for taking such a big step. I see so many people stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children, but as you've said, it is possible to have a healthy, positive relationship with your ex. I did it, the father of my eldest and I get along so much better now that we're divorced than we did when we were together, and our son benefits immensely from this. Popping over from the #ipotlinky round up :)

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